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Joke of the Day

"They've finally renamed my gym ""Skinny Guys with Giant Headphones Loudly Dropping Small Weights."""

"I'm simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min."

"I like my women like I like my bananas. Cold and covered in bruises."

"How does an elephant go up a tree? It stands on an acorn and waits for it to grow."

"everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they're just ikea product names (they are)"

"I bought a nice 12 year old Scotch. Obviously his parents weren't pleased!"

"My wife is an angel. Bob and Harry are fishing one day.... Bob.... ""How's your wife been?"" Harry....""She's an angel, how about yours?"" Bob....""Egh, mine is still alive."""

"*adds 'memory loss' to Symptoms* *adds 'memory loss' to Symptoms* *adds 'memory loss' to Symptoms* *adds 'memory loss' to Symptoms*"

"What's Chinese and climbs the Empire State Building? Ping Pong"

"I'll always remember what my uncle said before he passed on up... ""Flying houses? Talking dogs? That movie looks dumb."""