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Joke of the Day

"Why do the Lannisters have such big beds? Because they push two twins together to make a king."

"BOSS: I'm sorry mike, but you've been downsized ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan"

"Did you hear about the Quasimodo look alike contest? The police had to break it up when the crowd turned ugly."

"Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I'd be obsessed with you too."

"What do you call a work out routine done by a sexy robot? An erector set. I'll see myself out."

"Due to the impending snowstorm on the east coast The center for Global Warming research will be closed due to blizzard until further notice."

"How many assholes does it take to change a lightbulb? It doesn't matter, mine itches so bad it's on fire, providing plenty of light for everyone in the room!"

"Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped. Her: I can hear you. Me: she could hear me"

"I banged my co-worker... Guess my Dad was right, I am a little shit eater."

"Congratulations, everyone who saw me and my kids at the mall today. That's the cheapest birth control you will ever have."