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Joke of the Day

"I wrote an essay about American Patriotism Then I pointed at it and started shouting ' You Essay! You Essay!'"

"How much do pirates pay to get an earring? A Buccaneer."

"Prank caller: Is your refrigerator running? Me: Of course. Can't have these bodies at room temperature"

"Hello, 911? *twirls phone cord around finger* sooooo how was your day? Did you arrest any bad guys?...No you hang up first! Hello? 911?"

"Confucius say virginity like giant bubble One prick, all gone"

"Why didn't the bike move? It was two tired. Sorry^that^shit^made^no^sense"

"What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they're vegan?"

"A 7 y/o asks his mom at the dinner table... ""Mom?"" ""Yes, honey?"" ""I can be whatever I want to be right?"" ""Yes, dear."" ""Then can I be a carnivore?"" ""...Eat your vegetables."""

"Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect."

"I feel like I just won the lotto! Because I just paid the IRS a shit ton of tax."