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Joke of the Day

"Your ex asking if you can still be friends is like kidnappers saying ""keep in touch"" after they let you go."

"Starting a blog that's just reviews of the food I steal out of the fridge at work."

"My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks"

"How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but no one knows how they got in there."

"My dad's the real winner of this election... He passed away last week."

"Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] ""You're gonna be sleeping with the fishes..."" Me: ""Umm, it's 'fish'."" M: ""This. This is why."""

"I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said ""This is what happens to roses who cross me"""

"How was copper wire invented? Two Jews fighting over a penny."

"Confucius say..... Confucius say man drunk in cemetery make grave mistakes"

"Dance Dance Revolution is an intense game but an even more intense to-do list"