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Joke of the Day

"*walks into son's room to find a recording of him snoring* Dear God *dials 911* Help, a wizard turned my son into a 90's cassette player"

"What does the Mafia and pussies have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit"

"I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed."

"Why did Sally drop her ice cream? Because a semi truck hit her."

"I want to get arrested by a motorcycle cop just so I can hold him tenderly around the waist on my way to jail."

"Know how I upset my balcony? I couldn't make it to the bathroom."

"How many house flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just the standard two, but I'll be damned if I know how they got in there."

"Anyone hear the one.. Anyone hear the one about the messy bed? Yeah, I made it up."

"Yo momma is so fat ... She took a jump in the pool, they found water on Mars."

"Who decides which weeds to kill in the garden? Weedicide."