35854

Joke of the Day

"*walks into son's room to find a recording of him snoring* Dear God *dials 911* Help, a wizard turned my son into a 90's cassette player"

"Friends are a lot like trees... They fall down when hit multiple times with an axe"

"If a tree falls down in the woods and nobody is around to hear it... Then hipsters would buy the soundtrack."

"I just noticed ""Glue sticks"" is a name for some stationery but also just a fact."

"Plastic Surgery I loaned a friend 5000 to get plastic surgery last week... I'll never get the money back, I dunno what he looks like now."

"Do cats stutter? No, but they paws."

"There's a cricket living outside my apartment. I'm all ""Cricket, it's winter, shouldn't you die?"" and he's all ""Chirp!"" and we laugh."

"How does a pirate reenact Travis Bickle's speech? Are you talking to me?"

"i type everything in lower case because i don't give a shift"

"Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me."