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Joke of the Day

"if people really didn't want to hear smartass responses they wouldn't keep asking questions like ""do you know why i pulled you over?"""

"There is a house on my street that I can't stop staring at. It's front door is especially entrancing."

"If a girl elongates her words when she's texting me, I know she's down to fuckkkk, developmentally disabled, or bothhhhh."

"What's brown and sticky A stick"

"What do a priest and an Olympic silver medalist have in common? They both came in a little behind."

"The kids at school used to call my mum the village bike She wasn't promiscuous; when I was six years old she went missing and they found her in the canal. (Mat Ewins)"

"CPR refresher class. We're told, ""If they're not breathing, there's no way you can make it worse."" Woman then trips; kicks dummy's head off."

"ME: I think we're being followed DATE: Really? M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep D: Wait you carry that around with you? M: Just keep walking"

"If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That's how we stopped everybody from doing drugs"

"Why is Jesus so bad at hockey? Because he keeps getting nailed to the boards."