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Joke of the Day

"What says the egg to the boiling water? It might take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by a chick"

"Why would I donate 2 to save a kid's life? I'd rather spend that 2 on a condom to prevent a kid's life."

"My wife: ever since you got on twitter you never listen or talk to me any more. Me: yeah spaghetti for sure!"

"When I heard that Dr. Heimlich died at age 96... I got all choked up."

"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day!"

"Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can't smell their breath."

"What do the Zika virus and Catholic priests have in common? They both give kids a little head."

"I like my pizza ""Chicago"" style. full of bullet holes."

"[Enter restaurant] WIFE: See if you can get us a table ME: Ok [1 minute later] ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR"

"How do you know when a vegan gets to the party? Don't worry, they'll tell you."