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Joke of the Day

"[NSFW] What is the difference between your dick and a bonus? Your wife will always blow your bonus! xD"

"I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I'm really not glad to see anybody."

"[2nd time at girls house] ""where's your dog?"" Oh he isn't mine. I was dog sitting [makes text alert sound w mouth] ""Its work. I gotta go"""

"When I see starving children in 3rd world countries, I get so sad knowing there's no way they'll ever be able to retweet me."

"I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing."

"Cop: You know why I pulled you over? M: Speeding? C: No! M: Not using my blinker? C: No! M: Because I'm drunk? Cop: Sir get off the mower!"

"Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said ""This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things"""

"I saw a woman breastfeeding her baby in the park one night and so... ...I decided to walk up to her and say, ""Excuse me. Your baby invited me to dinner, Ma'am."""

"Which state has the most progressive bathroom laws? Transylvania."

"Why can't Chuck Norris complete forms and applications on the internet? Because he can't bring himself to click the ""submit"" button."