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Joke of the Day

"All I want is for someone to pretend to love me for who I am, then gradually change me over a period of several years until we both hate me."

"My Grandfather has hearing aids. He got it from phone sex."

"So Cologne, Germany during WW2 was bombed and decimated by fire. I am sure the fire smelled pretty nice."

"What do you get when you mix an elf and a scientologist? Elrond Hubbard!"

"Me: He's starting to stir! Wife: Shhhh. Me: OH MY GOD... Wife: Be quiet. Me: HE'S GOT A KNIFE! Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you."

"(Mayday) PILOT: I didn't go thru 9 years of flight school to crash ME: *relieved* Thank G- P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense"

"Friends are like boobs. You've got small ones, big ones, real ones, and fake ones."

"If I can pick up your dog with one hand, congratulations you own a cat."

"I hold my 440mL Pepsi can in the same way i hold my iPhone 5 With regret"

"Burglar gently waking me... ""you live like this?"""