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Joke of the Day

"Thank god this election is over. .....I almost forgot what real commercials were like."

"Doing the splits is easy -- slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!"

"So a celebrity fired a gun at someone today She was a shooting star"

"Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes."

"I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony."

"What do businessmen and pedophiles have in common? They're both uptight cunts."

"How are whores and movies alike? You pay up front for both and even if it's bad, you don't get a refund for either."

"Before Twitter, I'd ignore dumb thoughts in my head like ""How do Vampires buy pants if they can't look in a mirror?"" Now, I tweet them"

"Wait I had a really good joke about amnesia..."

"Me: Check it out! I'm juggling! Wife: Me: Wife: You're supposed to use more than one ball. Me: Can't you just be happy for me?"