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Joke of the Day

"Atilla the Hun, Adolf Hitler and a lawyer are stranded with you on a island ... - and you have a gun with only 2 bullets, who do you shoot? -- The lawyer twice."

"People overlook Dracula's positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects."

"If you ever see anyone doing a crossword... ...tap them on the shoulder and whisper ""7 up is lemonade""."

"I lost my dictionary today. I can't find the words to express my dissapointment."

"A: Took my temperature today. B: Oh really? A: No, rectally."

"Women can fake orgasms... But men can fake love."

"[Seahawks locker room] Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score! Wilson: well put! Well put!"

"What's the difference between Oscar the grouch and a grouch at the Oscars? Ones green and the other is black"

"My friend asked me... My friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library I said wtf man it's 2016 you can use whatever printer you want"

"I'm not sure why my girlfriend called me a douche this morning... but I guess it explains why her sister smelled so much better after I finished banging her last night credit: /u/thehofstetter"