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Joke of the Day

"What would happen if James Bond took Viagra? He would continue to be a state-sponsored terrorist whose actions disgrace us all."

"I think sitting on an airplane is the most exhausting type of sitting."

"I'm sorry I threw up all over your carpet when you referred to your spouse as your ""lover""."

"I just spent $100 at Whole Foods. This better be a damn good bag of Almonds."

"How do Chinese people name their kids? They throw silverware down a flight of stairs....ting, tong, ping, ding"

"At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven't got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton."

"I haven't seen a Brazilian as bad as Fred since Stevie Wonder shaved his wife's pussy."

"Billy has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now? Diabetes. Billy has diabetes."

"(SPOILERS) Guess what show I did NOT want to watch after the latest Walking Dead? Bob's Burgers"

"I hear people complaining about their jobs a lot, well I'm a nurse and I touched six dicks yesterday And it was my day off"