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Joke of the Day

"Shout-out to people just out of earshot."

"Captain Ahab is like G.W. Bush They're both violent men that have a revenge fantasy against a cheap source of oil."

"What did the egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take me a minute to get hard, I was just laid by this chick."

"getting my hopes up only to become even more disappointed dot edu"

"What is the opposite of an autistic? A Socialist."

"Officer: have you been drinking? Me: no sir 0: you were swerving M: Twitter O: oh, I'm on Twitter what's your handle M: yes, I was drinking"

"Why can elephants swim - and aardvarks can't? Aardvarks don't have trunks!"

"Hey, Cap'n Crunch. You've been a captain since 1963. Dude, I don't think admiral is happening for you."

"Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto"

"What's Darth Vader's Favorite Mineral? co-pper"