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Joke of the Day

"Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That shit hurt."

"Got a secondhand robot. Practically good as new! Just a few nicks and scratches, and a tendency to murder."

"one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said ""Watch me"" then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year"

"I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it."

"I wait til the mailman comes to send all my emails in front of him while keeping eye contact and whispering ""Your end is nigh, letter boy."""

"Racing car drivers The only profession where you are considered successful if you've had a checkered career."

"Fart John farts in the local market and Jack says: ""What was that ?"" John says: ""That was an atomic bomb"""

"What I learned in college: 1. Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1."

"What has two thumbs and got laid last night? My hands."

"I saved 15% on car insurance by switching.... The gear to reverse and pulling away from the accident"