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Joke of the Day

"I was tired of the fascist dictator who ran the Bird Imitators Society.. So I took control with a violent coup."

"Friends from school are like hot dogs You have them because they're there, not because you love them"

"""Wow he's good"" -possum at the morgue"

"My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me! I want to go say hi but there's just so much history between us."

"The Wife just accused me of loving Twitter more than her. I said, ""but honey! I love you much more than Facebook or LinkedIn!"""

"Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Ve are asking ze qvestions here! A: Two one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in."

"Bloody Foreigner... ...coming over here, wanting to know what love is."

"What would Martin Luther King Jr. have been if he was white? Alive"

"*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick* Narrator: Don't you wish there were a better way? -commercial for business cards"

"At my funeral I want a dozen doves recaptured."