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Joke of the Day

"My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I'm going to have to get rid of her. At least I'll have my cat to comfort me."

"Some random guy on the street turned me into a bottle of tequila which rather annoyed me. I hate when people Patronize me"

"What do the average woman and kids on a snow day have in common? They're both hoping for nine inches, but will be happy enough with five."

"How does an abstract artist paint? They wipe their ass with canvas."

"The President of the United States, the Prime Minister of England, and the King of Thailand walk into a bar in Bangkok and the bartender says ""May I get you and your guests drinks, Your Majesty?"""

"Enviromentalists:""How can we stop the rising oceans Me (understands displacement but not enviromentalism):""Pull all those big whales out."

"Why is the letter N the most powerful letter? Because it is in the middle of TNT."

"Why do the people in front of me at the ATM always seems to be having some sort of damn major financial crisis?"

"My girlfriend asked me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt... So I fucked her twice and slapped her"

"[breakfast table] Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms? 8: Not me 9: Not me CEREAL KILLER: Not me either"