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Joke of the Day

"11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties? Wife: she asked for a pony.. Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN'T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA"

"How many Amish people does it take to change a lightbulb? A what?"

"I met the girl of my dreams, but it turned out she was my cousin... Lesson learned: Don't flirt at family reunions"

"I like my mens like I like my coffee Nowhere near my dick."

"[Inspecting car] *kicks tire* ""Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick."""

"What's the shittiest day of the week? Saturday"

"I'm 28 years old, but in marriage years, I'm already dead."

"Hey guys let me know if you figure out a way for me to rt myself. Some of these are pretty great."

"We can play Yahtzee again. -You fixed the broken dice? Yeah. And they'll never break again. -How do you know? *grins* Die mends are forever."

"Did you hear about the chickpea freedom fighters? They call themselves Hummas."