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Joke of the Day

"Why does Ganondorf hate the internet? There are too many links."

"""What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket, Officer?"" ""Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."""

"I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings"

"[first day as a celebrity chef] *Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*"

"How are UFC and gay porn similar. Both involve sweaty men pounding eachother."

"I started a company.. ...with my wife. Then my sister in law joined us, now it's a crowd."

"It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads."

"If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them."

"I hope when you get to heaven, they give you a photo album with all the pictures you're in the background of."

"If you start a conversation with ""you're gonna say I'm crazy"" there's nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance."