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Joke of the Day

"""I feel like a failure, doc. I've got 5 boys and they ALL work as hotel valets"" ""Wow this is the worst case of parking sons I've ever seen!"""

"My last girlfriend ate a like a bird She literally banged her head repeatedly onto the table to eat"

"I used to be able to stop cars with mind Getting hit by one took that away"

"What do you do about a bird that shits in your car? Never ask her out again."

"How do you drown a hipster? In the mainstream"

"What's black and white stinks and hangs from a line? A drip dry skunk."

"lawyer: ""my client claims the altercation began because - and i quote - ""he came at me sideways"" crab: ""in my defence.."""

"You're legally allowed to stab anyone whose favorite album is a band's Greatest Hits."

"I used to listen to old Mitch Hedberg recordings.. I still do, I just used to too."

"What did the fat cat go to prison for? Purrrjury"