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Joke of the Day

"Mom: Wanna help gift rap? Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro-- oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you're on your own."

"If you had to describe yourself in one word, what would it be? Bad at following directions."

"What does 90-year-old pussy taste like? Depends."

"""Mom! I'm going out!"" - You're not leaving this house until you change that miniskirt - Why not? - Because I can see your balls, Richard."

"In an elevator with my geology professor and my ex-geology professor. Can you say ROCKward?"

"What's Forrest Gumps Favorite Password? 1Forrest1"

"[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine] ""Who's president?"" Barack Obama ""Braco? Sounds Mexican"" Nope ""Whew"" You might want to sit down"

"""Hey, the sky is pitch black tonight.""-You, counting your lucky stars."

"They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings. - Reasons why I drink"

"I'm celebrating international women's day by not having my wife make me a sandwich today. I'm going to Subway and having Rachel make it instead."