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Joke of the Day

"*nose hairs growing out of control *buys tiny scissors *jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs"

"I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge."

"England fans must be pretty happy right now. They've been waiting years for their team to play like Spain."

"What is the difference between a small vagina and a douchey midget? One is a runty cunt and the other is a cunty runt."

"What do you call an Australian who's prejudiced against grains? A riceist. (It sounds better when you say it aloud)"

"Did you hear about the live performance about the dictionary? I heard it was a play on words."

"The president says 60% of Americans don't know math -- 60%. So what if 60% don't know math? What about the 85% that do know math?"

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Carrie ! Carrie who ? Carrie me home I'm tired !"

"Why did the hipster burn his mouth on his coffee? Because he drank it before it was cool."

"What did one plant say to the other plant that was annoying him? Please leaf me alone! Or I'll tell my mom, and you'll get in trouble."