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Joke of the Day

"679 Fetty Wap. 17/38 because that's his vision."

"My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look. I'm not sure if I'm flattered or insulted."

"Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I'm married and not allowed to make decisions."

"Why do some women wear panties with flowers on them? In memory of all the faces that have been buried there."

"My girlfriend said I have a good looking penis She said it was impeckerable"

"I saw a guy wearing a stovepipe hat the other day... ...so I said, ""Hey! Abraham Lincoln called and he wants..."" Then I realized, they didn't have phones in the mid 1800s."

"I'd like my headstone engraved in Burger King font."

"George Michael was upset to find he had let a chocolate bar melt in his pocket It was just a careless whisper"

"Save your little napkin, bartender. I don't plan on having this drink long enough to set it down."

"What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!"