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Joke of the Day

"I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help. I told her I don't have the money to hire a hitman."

Next Joke
 
"Hot singles in my area have heard about me and are moving to other areas"
"My pet deer was addicted to painkillers after surgery so I tried to send her to rehab..... .... but I didn't have the doe"
"[voice recognition in car] Car: ""please say a command"" Me: ""call Tim"" Car: ""calling Sarah Marcogliese"""
"[NSFW] What kind of birds do prostitutes like? Swallows."
"Killed a spider for my wife last night and got laid. Now every.spider.must.die."
"[spider confronting me] him: yo did you steal my coat? me: [wearing 8-sleeved coat] no this is mine"
"Why couldn't the cat walk through the door? it had a javelin through it's head."
"It's impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone."
"What did the bra say to the hat? You go on a head, I'll hang back with these two"