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Joke of the Day

"[vacuuming] Pick up your feet please. Kid on sofa: No! Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first* *turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please."

"What's 12 inches long and white? Nothing."

"Telling people my costume is Obama's birth certificate. If they say I have no costume, I fucking explain the facts to that racist fuckbag."

"What do you call a show full of lions ? The mane event !"

"A standard elevator can hold 1700 lbs or 5 Tinder matches..."

"Some girls are like community colleges... Even if you're not the smartest guy, you probably still get in."

"KFC and pimps are similar. They both sell breasts and thighs."

"*Removes smoke detector battery **Cooks in silence"

"Why were there no feminists in Communist China? Because everyone had equal rice."

"Bad advice to give a kleptomaniac... ""You should really take something for that."""