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Joke of the Day

"Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: ""If you can't behave we're going to have to leave here."" ""But I want to leave here."" Touche."

"You're so poor I saw you kicking a can across the street I asked you what you were doing you said moving."

"Why are protein shakes such loners? They're whey isolate."

"Uber lost over a billion dollars in the last six months so they're asking their drivers to check between the seat cushions."

"That confusing moment when the person you hate at work brings donuts"

"Mike Tyson wanted me to add him online But I couldn't find him on faithbook.com"

"Why did the baker's hands smell? Because he kneaded a poo."

"If Hillary Clinton is elected as our first female President it's really going to redefine a few things for me.... ....Like the words President Bush."

"Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me. *flips coin into ceiling fan, it's knocked out a window into the sea*"

"Your mother is so stupid, she thinks Moby Dick is a venereal disease."