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Joke of the Day
"Her: *""Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?""* Me: *""Yes""*"
Next Joke
"When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened."
"Why does wonder woman fly? Because she can't drive for sh*t."
"There are 10 kinds of people in the world... Those who know binary and those who don't."
"What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle? The vacuum cleaner has the dirtbag on the inside."
"Bad day? Just remember, there are folks that have their ex's name tattooed on their body. Merica."
"City Life At first I was Ern(e)st and Young, but then became Standard and Poor: yet when I got broody I was rated as Moody, loosing my triple A score"
"[first day working at the pizzeria] Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we've run out of everything"
"*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool* *skinny dips to be on the safe side*"
"I want to open a Reserve to breed, arm and train West Lowland Gorillas to fight Jihadists. I'm going to call it Boko Harambe"