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Joke of the Day

"Me: Push! Grandkids: But, you're heavy. Me: What did the sign say? Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :(( Me: Rules are rules."

"[If my dog could talk] DUDE, IT'S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I'M A GOOD BOY"

"The neighbours dog has jumped up into my garden so much that he's totally destroyed the fence. Figured here's the best place to get it fixed as everyone is a certified reposter."

"Every night Owen Wilson secretly prays tomorrow will be the day his son breaks his nose for the first time."

"I like my Jews... ...the way I like my coffee. Roasted."

"Marriage is nature's way of preventing people from fighting with strangers."

"What's the fastest way to get away from Hell? Piss off Satan's wife."

"*punches a fish* that's for tsunamis"

"As a bootleg vet, I get asked to turn cats into dogs it's a ruff job."

"me: ""we commemorate the day you died every year"" jesus: ""thats nice, what's the day called?"" me: jesus: me: jesus: ""keith?"" me: ""bad friday"""