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Joke of the Day

"The Pope is hardly the first person to lose interest in their real job so soon after joining Twitter."

"In art class I was told black was a shade not a color. That must mean black people aren't colored: they're shady."

"Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It's like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida."

"What do you call the CFO of a landscaping company? A hedge fund manager"

"Bartender: What can I get you? Me: Drunk"

"""excuse me, (Chinese couple at the next table,) I seem to have forgotten my calculator, can I borrow your toddler?"""

"What do you do when you are riding on the back of a zebra, right next to a camel, and a lion won't stop chasing you? Get off the carousel, dumb ass. You're drunk."

"Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, ""I'm GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!"""

"Anyone remember the Boxer rebellion? Thank god it was only for a brief moment."

"Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food."