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Joke of the Day

"""Dad, what do you think about abortion?"" --Ask your sister --But I don't have a sis..."

"""The best part of waking up was the Folgers in my cup"" - Suicide note, first draft"

"Is your refrigerator running? Because refrigerator obesity is on the rise."

"Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th."

"What's the difference between a Chickpea and a Garbanzo Bean? I didn't just pay $500 to have a Garbanzo Bean on my face."

"Guess how I spell distraction? R-E-D-D-I-T"

"What game do two strangers with Social Anxiety play? Don't Break the Ice"

"Alsation: I'll see you shortly. Chihuahua: Okay but don't call me ""Shortly!"""

"Pedophile Jokes? I got 3: If they can cross the street they can take the meat. If they can pee they're old enough for me. I'm like a game boy, kids turn me on. You guys got any others?"

"Screw this! I'm going to leave the original joke making to the professionals! Dane Cook... Amy Schumer... Carlos Mencia..."