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Joke of the Day

"You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it's acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch."

"""I'm the world champion of hearing,"" I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw"

"What do you call a bulimic tree? Sycamore."

"Patient: Doctor my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages. Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too. Patient: Good you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of them."

"I don't have tinted windows on my car because if people don't like watching me dance, they can tint their own goddamn windows."

"Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands."

"Pooped without my phone this morning, just like Gandhi."

"I plan to watch some movie with girlfriend this evening. Can somebody recommend a girlfriend?"

"INTERVIEWER: You put ""summoning demons"" as a special skill? ME: That's right. INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?"

"Having mutual friends with someone does not mean you should add them on Facebook. It's like a stranger knocking on your door and saying, ""Hey we both know Mike, John, and Sara. You mind if I come in?"