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Joke of the Day

"Good Cop: step away from the ledge Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops"

"A vampire masturbating into a mirror. You didn't see that coming."

"I found a hole in my trainer that's big enough to put my finger through. One formal complaint from her, and I'm now banned from the gym"

"Why did the fatty cross the road? Because the free pizza wouldn't"

"What's a reindeer's favourite celebrity? Beyonsleigh"

"My grandma can hold her breath for over sixteen years!"

"I would like to thank my arms, for always being by side. My legs, for always supporting me, & my fingers...because I can always count on them."

"For Mother's Day, I told my teens, I'm going to reenact every detail of each of your births."

"I have a Pakistani girl friend. Last night she said that she wanted to blow me. Now I wasn't sure if I should lower my pants or call the cops."

"Just found out exercising... ...and exorcising are two very different things. Officially canceling my membership to the most terrifying gym ever. (via @wiseguypictures)"