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Joke of the Day

"CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That'll be $3.25 DUCK: Can you put it on my bill? CASHIER: That's not where it goes, silly"

"I once asked a girl if she smoked after sex. She said ""I don't know, I've never looked"""

"What lurks in the dark, has wings and sucks blood? The new Always Ultra."

"[first day on the job as a drug dealer] *giggles* ""We don't have coke, is Pepsi ok?"" *gets stabbed*"

"We're sneaking a couple 40s into Toy Story 3. We'll be the ones howling in the back anytime someone says, ""Woody."""

"I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."

"Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is ""Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?"""

"Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz ""we don't have time to get arrested"" if you're looking for a parenting role model."

"I used to think maths was useless but then one day I realised that decimals had a point."

"What kind of shoes do bears wear? None because they go barefoot."