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Joke of the Day

"On your deathbed tell everyone ""pray for me"" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says ""pray harder next time"""

"""What? Only 2% Milk? Then what's the other 98%!?"" [bull walking confidently out of the factory] Oh you don't wanna know"

"I asked my wife to name an adjective that describes my penis... She replied ""vestigial."""

"My boss asked me for a brief word. I said ""underpants?"" and we laughed and laughed and I'm clearing out my desk."

"How many seasons are there in a dogs life ? Just one the moulting season !"

"I recently got a device that can remotely slow down any car And as an added bonus it shows me what speed they're going at too!"

"I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I'm not sure, I can't make out faces so well."

"People who get offended when I breast feed publicly can fuck off What I'm doing is totally natural and strengthens the relationship between me and my dog"

"One terrorist says to another: ""Did you hear, Malala is single?..."" ""...you should take a shot."""

"What's the difference between a garbanzo and a chickpea? I've never paid 50 bucks to have a garbanzo on my face."