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Joke of the Day

"It's important to set goals. You don't have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them."

"Why did the yoga pants come in last place? They were bringing up the rear."

"[Maroon 4 meeting] Adam Levine: ""Our band name sucks"" Drummer that no one knows the name of: ""let's think bigger"" Adam: ""I've got it"""

"I'm already visualising the duct tape across your mouth."

"I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn't catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers."

"*queen points out window* ""what's that flashing out the window?"" ""Lightning, My Queen"" *car busts thru window* DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN"

"Q: Why did God create man before woman? A: He didn't want any advice."

"Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember."

"If a 92 year old woman hooks up with a seventy five year old man. She's no longer considered a couger. That's a saber tooth."

"How can you tell birds are afraid of heights? Because everytime they look down they shit themselves."