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Joke of the Day

"If a 92 year old woman hooks up with a seventy five year old man. She's no longer considered a couger. That's a saber tooth."

"I like going to the park and watching the children run around... ...because they don't know I'm using blanks."

"What is the opposite of progress? Congress"

"The guy who stole my personal journal has died... My thoughts are with his family."

"Why Twitter deleted so many terrorist accounts recently? Otherwise they'd kill all the 140 characters."

"My kid just called Child Protective Services because he still has an iPhone 5S."

"I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer but no one will do it."

"When I was at school, the school bully used to make me rub my head against a giant piece of sandpaper. I was no match for him."

"What was the best thing before sliced bread?"

"*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment* ""Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar."""