25076

Joke of the Day

"I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn't my panicked gasping breathing."

"EXCLUSIVE OFFER: 1,000 tampons for only $5 No strings attached."

"With the Germany Argentina final on the way, we will finally know which one of the two Popes is God's favorite."

"Sometimes I gaze upwards at the endless stars that populate the sky and realize how small I truly am. I should get one of those pumps."

"Toilets and Ketchup! Simply by leaving a few ketchup packets under the toilet seat, you've set the scene for a harmless prank that will leave the recipiant speechless!"

"Me: Are these your kids? Boss: ""Yep"" They're gorgeous! ""Thanks"" Step kids? ""Nope"" Adopted? ""No.."" .. "".."" She's cheating on you.. ""Get out"""

"Dining Hall utensils Today there were no utensils in the dining hall. The staff gave no forks."

"My wife turns over and accidentally kicks me in the nuts. I gasp. She gasps. Then she raises her arms and yells, ""I WIN! I WIN!"""

"I'll say it: fuck you, old people."

"CW: What's for lunch; smells good! Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven't found it yet. CW: Me: *smirks*"