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Joke of the Day

"Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies."

"Not to brag, but I know exactly what to do in a crisis. I'm really good at panicking. ^^^I ^^^panicked.. ^^^I ^^^meant ^^^to ^^^say ^^^Packing"

"How many sound technicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One....Two...One, Two..."

"Why'd the blonde snort a line of Splenda? She thought it was diet coke"

"They say that dog is mans best friend ... ... but I don't have enemies that stare me directly in the eye whilst taking a shit on my carpet"

"My ex-girlfriend and I weren't compatible.. I was an Aquarius and she was a bitch. Anybody got any they wanna share?"

"""Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you're terrible at this."" - piece of popcorn stuck between teeth."

"What does a 90 year old woman taste like? Depends."

"ME: gimme a double BARMAN: [places an exact replica of me on the bar] ME: no I meant a double Scotch BARMAN: [puts a kilt on my replica]"

"The lords army. Chad: My brother, why don't you join the lords army? Bob: I'm already their. Chad: I don't see you on Sundays... Bob: I'm in the secret service."