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Joke of the Day

"I'm switching all of my clocks to a 24-hour format... ...making it much easier to wait til 5 o'clock to start drinking"

"Don't assume my personal politics because of a tweet. Trust me, I believe ALL politicians are equally full of shit."

"Why do people say ""I saw it with my own eyes."" Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?"

"My drivers license says I'm an organ donor, but jokes on them because I own a piano."

"*wife sees me crying* Her: What's going on? Me: The kids gave me this *holds up Dad Is #1 mug* W: That's sweet H: Sweet? They think I'm pee!"

"Is it solipsistic in here? Or is it just me?"

"ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather? ME: We pull a rodent out of a box."

"When lesbians get married, which one makes the sandwiches? Neither! Everyone knows they prefer hot pockets"

"I want to be part of the 27 club I'm just DYING to get in."

"Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was out standing in his field!"