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Joke of the Day

"Wife: You said you'll keep me as a queen but you make me dig the farm all day. WTF is this about? Husband: Darling you are my Queen of Spades."

"The impossibility of accepting the offer of a quick drink without first pretending to check your watch"

"I can't make it tonight. There's a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes."

"Yo mama so poor she can't afford to pay attention!"

"I wish that if you stopped yourself from sneezing enough times you could shoot an energy ball out of your hand."

"When I die... I want to go peacefully in my sleep. Like my father. Not screaming and yelling. Like his passengers"

"You had me at ""Bathes regularly""."

"Three people having sex is called a threesome, and four people having sex is called a foursome. I guess that's why everyone calls me handsome!"

"What's brown and sticky? A stick"

"Stupidity is not a crime so you are free to go."