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Joke of the Day

"The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven't been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean."

"I'd rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again"

"Tell your mom to stop using different colored lipstick... My dick is starting to look like a rainbow"

"Did you hear about the protestors killing the circus? They went straight for the juggler."

"""Hey! Aren't you that guy from the village people?"" Me, to every cop who pulls me over"

"What's the difference between a vegetarian and a brony? A vegetarian doesn't like meat in their mouth."

"How do you blow up a Muslim's phone? Put it on airplane mode."

"What do you call someone who's both a Seahawks fan and a LOTR fan? A twelf"

"My therapist told me to I need to learn to love myself... That would be settling, though- I can do better than that piece of crap!"

"The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus."