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Joke of the Day

"What do you call two gay Irishmen? Michael FitzPatrick and Patrick FitzMichael. Happy St. Patrick's Day!"

"If you pretend you're skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people."

"How does Hitler tie his shoes? In little knotsies"

"Why was Aladdin disqualified from the Rio Olympics? He was on performance-enhancing rugs."

"I'd have to say that my biggest downfall was about two flights of stairs."

"""Why did your boyfriend return his Christmas tie?"" ""He said it was too tight."""

"Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job Me: *already asleep on a folding chair* Interviewer: hang on u don't start til monday"

"I don't get why everybody hates on ISIS.... Their drug policy, for one, is incredibly progressive. Women get stoned legally over there all the time!"

"Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook."

"sometimes I wonder if Einstein's friends were ever able to say ""nice work, Einstein"" without sounding sarcastic"