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Joke of the Day

"What do you call a kid with no arms and legs playing baseball? 2^nd base."

"Flipped over my therapist's writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with ""shut up"" written in every blank."

"Me: I need to lose my baby weight. Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest? Me: Thirteen."

"What do you call a fat psychic? A large. (Because medium)"

"You know what seems odd to me? Numbers that can't be divided by two."

"I've said this to countless medical professionals. Nobody's laughed yet. ""Does my chart say what blood type I have? I can never remember."" ""O+"" ""Oh... [insert troll face] Positive?"""

"If my memory foam mattress really had ""memory,"" it could write for Penthouse."

"I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I'm going to try this on my wife."

"What language do pirates speak? Arrrrrrabic! A friend and I were extremely high and he thought of this.Good times."

"Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State building can't jump."