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Joke of the Day

"There's only one thing I love more than bacon ...and I can't put pussy in my mashed potatoes."

"do you have any idea how fast you were going? ""no, I'm not wearing my contacts"""

"There are two kinds of people in the world Those that can extrapolate from missing information"

"If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer ""all sales are vinyl"" until I was fired. It would be worth it."

"Why is that Bono still hasn't found what he's looking for? Because he's always standing by The Edge."

"What is brown, small, and smells of caramel? A diabetic who's been struck by lightning."

"Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista's beard. I have 3 roommates."

"Just ordered a pizza and jogged past my gym holding it over my head like the Olympic torch."

"""What charities do you donate to?"" ""I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world."""

"[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents] ""Hi, I usually don't make it this far"""