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Joke of the Day

"[Drives date home] ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not"

"The Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range."

"The world seems like a beautiful place until you realize that there isn't one thing that hasn't been shoved up a butt."

"My girlfriend's dad called me a pedophile just because I'm 34 and she's 23... ...he totally ruined our 10 year anniversary."

"What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? The first is a super hero, the second is a simple command."

"What did the test tube baby ask its father? Am I a jerk off?"

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Betsy ! Betsy who ? Betsy of all it's a cadillac !"

"Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc."

"people almost never ask me for man advice because 98% of it is ""you should slash his tires"""

"My mom laughed when I said me and my brother Al were gonna build a car out of tacos... You should have seen her face when I drove Al pastor."