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Joke of the Day

"How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. But don't ask me how they got in there."

"I'm scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing."

"War: what is it good for? Resource acquisition, eliminating your enemies, blowing stuff up, feeling like a big man. So, lots actually."

"Whom does Ban Ki-Moon revolve around? Ban Ki-Earth."

"I can't get in and out of a folding lawn chair without looking like a special needs Greco-Roman wrestler."

"My friends call me The Archeologist Because I date old, dusty pieces of junk"

"Why doesn't Santa have any kids? Because he only comes once a year!"

"Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day* Her: You eat too much candy, you're going to make me a widow Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*"

"What do you call a crushed angle? A RECTANGLE !"

"I don't think playing catch with the kid was the problem so much as the fact that I kept dropping him."