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Joke of the Day

"I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field"

"At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours."

"I'll pay full price for the next iPhone if the only change they make to it is erasing ""ducking"" from the autocorrect."

"It was a terrible summer for Humpty Dumpty. But he had a great fall."

"What's the difference between a Methodist and a Baptist? A Methodist will say ""hi"" to you at the liquor store"

"Did you hear that Trump is getting penis enlargement surgery? It's gonna be yuge."

"Hey mind if I try some of your chloroform? Sure knock yourself out."

"Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Fish."

"Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is ""I can tweet that"""

"A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket. and thinks ""Some asshole has my pen""."