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Joke of the Day

"My friend was raped by a teenager mutant ninja turtle. He wasn't wearing a mask, so we don't know which one did it."

"Waiter: black pepper? Me: sure Waiter: say when Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure"

"I hate it when you're about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes."

"Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates. The good ones are already taken."

"My Facebook ""News Feed"" should be renamed ""A bunch of boring fucking idiots who have horrible grammar"" feed."

"I was having dinner with my folks when dad called me a son of a bitch. I said, ""Listen, I don't disagree--but she's sitting right THERE."""

"So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife's idea will get you a free ride in his cop car"

"My sex life is a lot like the Olympic 100m final. I wait 4 years for it and it's over in less than 10 seconds."

"What do you call a suicidal cow? Cowmikaze."

"Three nuns are sitting on a park bench. Then a man comes up and exposes himself to them. Two of them have a stroke. But the third one couldn't reach"