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Joke of the Day
"Things look 'a whole lot brighter in the morning' because of the sun. They still suck."
Next Joke
"My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I'm blinded by whiteness."
"What do you call someone who walks into a building full of people? A cannibal."
"What do you call a Muslim Girl dating an Agnostic Guy? For safety purposes, I don't know if I should tell you her name.."
"If you're over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee - I will kick you in your pwivates."
"You know what I heard? Sheep"
"WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn't you? ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet"
"What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean? I wouldn't pay to have a garbanzo bean on my face. credit to /u/crashdemon."
"I just got caught having sex in a church. Needless to say I should have probably waited untill her funeral was over."
"Sunday mornings are a great time for me to reflect on why I haven't killed anyone yet"