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Joke of the Day

"[hardware store] Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff Wife: Fine Clerk: Can I help you? Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails"

"I'm a proud member of DAM: Mothers Against Dyslexia."

"What tastes good on pizza but not on pussy? Crust"

"Mascara in my hair-check, hairspray in my eye-check, lipstick on my shirt-check...I'm ready to start this wonderful Monday"

"Mom always said I was going to be a strong one... After I survived that abortion"

"What does a pig put on it's nose for a sunburn? Oinkment!"

"Why did Captain Kirk go into the ladies toilet ? To boldly go where no man has been before !"

"Jesus was such a player.... ...he was laid in a manger"

"A man is shot... He recently converted to islam."

"Live tweeting from Sunday Mass! We're sitting. Now standing. Sitting. Sorry, should've been kneeling. Shit, that was embarrassing."