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Joke of the Day

"im an exhausting person to be around but once you get to knnow me im actually a giant shithead with irredeemable mouth"

"I drank a pint of beer in Saudi Arabia the other day... ... It cost me an arm and a leg."

"Me: Goodnight mom I love you Mom: I have a boyfriend Dad putting arm around Mom: This loser giving you a problem?"

"""hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?"" ""hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot"" *cops bust down door*"

"Did you hear about the two fat guys who ran in the marathon? One ran in short bursts, the other in burst shorts."

"So, I hear Islamic Mysticism is all you need... It's suficient."

"When someone cries, ""No one gets me"" I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, ""I got you""!"

"""Engagement"" can mean either planning to marry or initiating combat. Coincidence?"

"Yo mama so stupid she went to the orthodontist to get a blue tooth"

"I just started Caitlyn Jenner's new diet plan. Its a lot like the Atkins diet except it is all transfats."